I am not terribly good at swearing – some are born to it, but I always struggle to find the right word. I tend to end up with “fiddlesticks”, or worse yet “oh… dear”. Yes, I am in training to be someone’s maiden aunt – though I am struggling to pass the physical.

The one exception to my swearing difficulties is when fighting with recalcitrant computer software (a specific product more than others, but “no name, no pack drill”) when my vocabulary is more frequently peppered with words which are widely perceived to have an Anglo-Saxon etymology.

I have occasionally been known to say “pox and sevenpence” which I had previously assumed to be archaic – but research for this blog suggests the phrase may have been coined first in “Saturday Night Fry” (a Radio 4 series dating all the way back to 1988).

I’ve considered “Zounds”, but that is definitely archaic and somehow fails to hit the spot when in extremis.

As a result, I think I need new expletives – and a wider range than those commonly in use today. New expletives will also allow me to express strong opinions in this blog – while retaining that all important PG rating. Though, to be honest I would be rather worried if I thought that children were reading this blog – at the very least they are likely to grow up with a complex (something which seemed a much greater risk when I was growing up) and more likely they will grow up with a deep and abiding hatred of me upon which they may later act to my dis-benefit.

American film and television offer us “freaking” which seems entirely without merit to me.

Jake Yapp, purveyor of comic sketches to the Shaun Keaveny Breakfast Show, used “fluffy bunny” in a piece on Gordon Ramsay which does have some appeal. It also offers some possibilities for intra-syllabic use – a definite plus.

Over the New Year, I decided that “Jemima Puddleduck” works quite nicely as a stand-alone ejaculation (no sniggering at the back) – and is by far the most handy of Beatrix Potter’s characters for this purpose.

The verb to “feague” which I have previously introduced has some possibilities, and the process to which it refers is consonant with the typical subject matter of an expletive. However, it is a bit too similar to current offerings.

So, I am looking to you – the silent few – to produce some better suggestions…


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