Saving the planet…

…one Saturday night at a time.

The Department of Energy and Climate Change (DECC for short) has been running a competition for several years now.  The contestants are hoping to win the chance to build a carbon capture and sequestration (CCS) scheme on a coal-fired power station of their choice.  CCS is a fairly hefty bit of kit, which might most easily be explained as a scrubber (get your minds back out of the gutter, please) which scrubs a power station’s exhaust to remove most of the CO2.  In this way, we can head off global warming at the pass – or at least mildly slow its implacable advance.

OK, to be honest, it’s not so much the chance to build CCS the contestants hope to win as a huge wad of (taxpayers’ hard-earned) cash to pay for the thing.  Unfortunately, the competition is dragging on a bit and almost all of the contestants have left – some willingly, other less so.

I feel there is a clear opportunity here which our government seems to have missed.  We have a need to choose a winner from a number of entrants – and this is something Saturday Night TV has been doing for several years now.

Our entrants need to be “tested” against a number of criteria – which seems to lend itself to weekly trials (an obvious error in the current competition is that it takes too long, which destroys the narrative tension – the viewers need a weekly fix and probably backstage access on ITV2).  These trials will need to be judged – I suggest an older man, a rude man, a pretty girl and A N Other.  In the early rounds, we will have some complete no-hopers which could be handled by the judges on their own.  Once we have weeded these out, then the viewers would get to vote for their favourite – following some guidance from our judges, but probably picking the one with the most tragic backstory.  The entrant(s) with the least votes would leave the competition – perhaps after some sort of dance-off – in floods of tears and with frequent mention of having “been on a journey”.  The revenue from the phone votes could fund the winner’s CCS – and the blanket coverage in Heat (oh, the delicious irony) magazine should help to raise public awareness of the electricity industry and climate change (it might even make me and my job “cool” – or is it “phat” now, or “sweet”? “Groovy” anyone?).

The final element of this format is two loveable, if vertically challenged, Northern lads to present the show.  We already have DECC, so we just need to find an ANTT!


2 thoughts on “Saving the planet…

  1. Debbie says:

    I’d particularly like to see Dermot O’Leary get up close and personal and uncover the hidden hopes and dreams of the contestants. They do have hopes and dreams beyond scrubbers don’t they?!

    • Stuart Ffoulkes says:

      I fear that many of their dreams may be to make loads of money – the scrubbers are just a means to that end. So, yet another common link with Saturday Night TV!

      One of our contestants (ok, ex-contestants) claims to dream of cleaner and better energy. Not quite sure what better energy might be – for example, is potential energy better than kinetic, or vice versa? Who is ranking different forms of energy? Should we be anticipating a new Channel 4 show, “The 100 Greatest Energies” with “celebrities” and media commentators reminiscing about their experiences with different forms of energy?

      So many questions, so few answers…

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