Bored of Awards

We seem to find ourselves in the middle of the so-called Awards Season.  We’ve had the BAFTAs, the Brits, the Grammys (one of the few awards for grandparents), the NTAs, the Golden Globes and, no doubt, many more that I have contrived either to forget or never discover.  I must admit that I have almost no interest in who wins any of these lumps of metal or plastic – whether voted for by sections of the public or groups of worthies, critics or experts – and have studiously avoided watching any of the ceremonies.

I suppose this plethora of prize-giving ceremonies must be keeping Colin Firth’s dry cleaner in business.  I’m not quite sure what other purpose they serve – except as cheap television schedule (and, I suppose, newspaper and other periodical) fillers and marketing for their winners, nominees and sponsors.

On the tube yesterday, I discovered that award fever does not only apply to the (widely perceived as) cool creative arts.  No – dietary supplements, for those unable or unwilling to consume a balanced diet (which is surprisingly easy in these days of refrigeration, air freight and the banana boat), have their own awards.  Yes, in a no doubt glittering ceremony, earlier this month the Boots Vitamin Awards 2011 – known as the Vitties to the cognoscenti – were handed out.  I like to imagine a sobbing (and as a result effervescing) Berocca tablet accepting its award as Best Energy Supplement – the tears would, happily, limit the length of any acceptance speech.  My favourite Vittie category was for Best Snore Relief – though oddly it did not go to any of divorce, the spare room, the couch or ear-plugs (perhaps because Boots does not, yet, offer most of these items via its stores or website).

I suspect that vitamins are far from being the most obscure area to have its own awards. I quite fancy the idea of awards for kissing – to be called the Osculars – though if these are to be voted for by the general public I fear that potential nominees may end up with rather chapped lips.  Possible award categories might include best French, Air and Gate. Or, perhaps, awards for trade between the US and Canada or Mexico – to be called the NAFTAs.  Or, and this is perhaps my favourite idea in this strand of foolishness, the Writs to celebrate the very best in court issued injunctions.


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