Foreign Lesion

The attentive reader will be aware that I have spent some quality time with members of the medical profession – I am, in fact, working, my way through the full range on offer at my local medical centre (I figured I should get some use out of the NHS while it’s still with us).

These visits have not been entirely frivolous in nature, but have been to tackle the rather unsightly, and intermittently itchy, lesion just above my right ankle.  I have been rubbing the aforementioned Daktarin into this for more than a week now – and until the weekend, the only positive effect of this regime was to beautifully moisturise one small part of my right leg (which now looks significantly younger than the rest of that particular limb – yes, I have just been listening to Just a Minute).

On Saturday morning I checked my lesion and it was unchanged, and I then went away for the weekend to the rather incendiary Sussex town of Lewes.  I returned on Sunday night and to my surprise found the lesion was much improved.  What could explain this sudden change?

Doctor No. 3 this morning wished to claim credit for the medical profession and their salves and ointments, but I am sceptical (and not just about this).  The salve had been used for more than a week with no effect (beyond the above mentioned rejuvenation). Something novel in the life of my lesion did occur over the weekend – I had the pleasure of consuming three pints of Harvey’s Best Bitter for the first time in some months (I am normally confined to Greene King country, even during winter so he must be an Evergreene King).  I would wish to claim that it was the Harvey’s which led to my miracle cure – and not the quackery of the cavalcade of MDs.  The normal course of medicaments prescribed by a traditional doctor is for 7 or even 28 days of treatment – even on the more modest period, this would represent 21 pints of Sussex finest beer and a snip at only £7.20.  I urge my readers to write to their MPs and to lobby NICE to ensure that Harvey’s is available on prescription throughout the country.  Forget Lily the Pink and her medicinal compound, it is to John Harvey and his cask ales that we should “drink a drink”.

In related news, scientists at Wake Forest School of Medicine (in North Carolina and, perhaps, twinned with Sleepy Hollow?) have discovered that itching is contagious.  If you see someone scratching you are more likely to feel an itch yourself.  If we can publicise the curative effect Harvey’s Sussex Best Bitter had on my itching lesion, then the general public will come to associate an itch with the need for a swift pint.  The cunning marketing folks from Harvey’s could then wander the country scratching (themselves) as an effective tool to boost sales.  Perhaps they could sponsor Lottery Scratchcards and offer their wares at Scratchwood Services?

I’m no marketing (or, many would say, any other kind of) professional, but I humbly proffer these efforts to the Directors of Harvey and Son (Lewes) Ltd to boost their sterling efforts to turn back the tide of alcopops and fizzy yellow muck that fills so many of our (sadly diminishing) fleet of public houses.

Feel free to continue the lunacy...

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