Growing uncertainty

Yesterday, I had my hair cut (I know, my life is almost too exciting!)- and more importantly dyed.  Whilst I can accept that my body is subject to the same processes of entropy and decay that are immanent throughout the universe, I see no reason why I should take this fact lying down (one of the rare exceptions to my preference for the most supine position feasible at any given moment).  I have no intention of growing old gracefully – though given my singular lack of grace in any of my other activities, this may be less a choice than an acceptance of extant reality.  However, I seem to have wandered off-topic (other hazelnut- and nougat-based chocolate is available).

It was five weeks since my locks had last been cut, but they had barely grown at all – in marked contrast to the previous trim when they had grown quite considerably over a mere lunar month.  Curiously, my grass (I feel the word ‘lawn’ would require a little too much artistic license – the HGV of artistic licenses, if you will) showed exactly the opposite growth behaviour.  Both my vine and beech hedge grew apace during the whole period – so much so that both needed some fairly serious trimming lest Fish Towers start to resemble the castle in Sleeping Beauty (and I have no desire to be awoken from my slumbers by the osculatory efforts of junior royalty).  In the case of the grass, I think its variation in growth rate can be explained by the drought followed by more recent plentiful precipitation – however, explaining my hair is more of a challenge…

My hair is normally washed in water from the mains, which as previously discussed has a calcium content on a par with cow’s milk.  However, in recent weeks it has been fairly regularly doused in rain-water as well as I have been about my business à pied or a-wheel.   Does softer water inhibit hair growth?  If so, should I start shaving using the water collected from my roof?

Then again, perhaps the water is a distraction and the rate of hair growth is driven by diet.  I tend to eat those fruits and vegetables that are in season in this country – supplemented with quite a lot of cheese, nuts, dried fruit and the occasional fish.  Over the period in question my diet will have shifted from a very heavy focus on asparagus and rhubarb, to a broader range of items from the plant kingdom including gooseberries, courgettes and aubergines. Perhaps asparagus or rhubarb promotes hair growth?  Given the vast sums spent by men on the products of the hair restoration industry, I think further experimentation is called for!  If a simple preparation of spring vegetables can restore a luxuriant head of hair to the follically-challenged then my fortune would be made.  I could then retire whilst enjoying the sort of luxury to which I have no objection to becoming accustomed.

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