A new superhero is born

Yes, it’s me!

A superhero very much in the Batman mould: made through a combination of serious gym-time plus cool, but expensive, gadgets.  I have not, to the best of my knowledge, been bitten by a radioactive animal or exposed to a hefty dose of gamma radiation.  Though, come to think about it, this shirt is feeling a little tight – but I’m sure that’s down to my recent Scottish diet and there is little physical risk if you were to make me angry (though I cannot guarantee an absence of withering sarcasm).

As reference to my shirt helps to attest, my acquisition of superpowers (well, a superpower) has not been accompanied by the desire to wear lycra, bright colours, a mask or any of the other standard accoutrements of the modern superhero.  This post will also completely destroy any chance of a secret identity – though, given the likely readership, I suspect the secret will still hold for over 6 billion people.

For years, the ivy and hawthorn which lie just beyond the eastern boundary of the extensive parklands which surround Fish Towers have mocked me (and I don’t even have a ha-ha).  They have been able to keep light and precipitation from my currants and berries, secure in the knowledge that my secateurs are unable either to reach them or to sever such thick branches.  They’ve stopped laughing now!  It’s hard to laugh when you are reduced to 6″ lengths and languishing in a green bin.

How has this desirable state of affairs come to pass?  Well, my gym-built body has now been augmented with an anvil tree lopper supplied by Wolf Garten – as you will all be aware, the wolf is the most horticulturallly-inclined of all God’s creatures.  This attaches to a handle which I have previously used for raking and hoeing.  In combination, my reach is significantly extended and major mechanical advantage can be applied to the cutting blades.  No mere branch can now withstand me – and the resultant feeling of power is quite intoxicating!

I suppose I should remember that with great power comes great responsibility – but to be honest, all I want to do is lop things (any potential visitors beware!).  Sadly, further lopping will have to wait as I now find myself in need of a second superpower.  The exercise of my first has filled my green bin to the brim in well under an hour and sadly, I can’t think of any of Stan Lee’s creations able to change the date of rubbish collection on a bank holiday week (perhaps this was considered a superpower too far – just too unbelievable).

I suppose I ought to think of a new superpower name to go with my new status.  The Tree Anvillain perhaps?

Feel free to continue the lunacy...

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