I have decided that it is time for the Fish to run for high, public office.
Why this sudden interest in running for elected office? Do I have any policies? Can I solve the problems which afflict this country? Probably not – but then again, neither can the current incumbents, so this would not appear to be any bar to government. And who needs policies in the 21st century? So far as I can see, the following structure should work:
- roughly one-third of my policies should appeal to the very rich (be they individuals or corporations) such that they will fund my political ambitions
- another third should be selected by focus group to appeal to the people who will actually vote for me
- and the final third should appeal to the meanest elements of the gutter press (their owners and editors) to make sure the first two groups recognise just how good for them I will be.
But none of this is either new or the driver for my current political ambitions.
Has the current, sustained self-immolation of the Liberal Democrats tempted me to provide a new third force in British politics? Not really, and again not really news.
No, to explain why now is the time for me to take control of the nation, we will need to take a brief digression (warning: may not be brief).
As we know, I am taking singing lessons and, as I may have mentioned, my voice lies very much at the bass end of the sonic spectrum. It is more than 30 years since I gave up my dreams of playing the romantic lead in opera: I have long realised that my best operatic hopes lie in playing the villain (mwu-ha-ha-ha). Actually, this might not be the only option…
Last Friday, I finally managed to see a live performance of J S Bach’s St Matthew Passion (better known as the St Harris at Fish Towers) performed by the Cambridge University Chamber Choir and Bach Ensemble. Hearing the St Matthew had been an ambition for nearly two decades, after having heard the St John a couple of times, but somehow it was never quite achieved. I can honestly say that it was worth both the wait and making my way past two separate protests (one against Dominique Strauss-Kahn and the other against Israel) to get to St Giles Church. What an incredible piece of music! I also discovered that the role of Christ is covered by a bass – and I believe he is generally considered to be the lead (though not, perhaps, all that romantic) in the novels in which he appears, if not necessarily in the Bach (he is rather upstaged by the Evangelist).
Welcome back after the digression! Research from the University of Miami (or “University if Miami” as the BBC News website describes it: I think they have been borrowing my proof reader) has indicated that people are more likely to vote for the candidate with the lower voice. This reinforces earlier research carried out last autumn in Canada. So, even in a normal week I would have a clear advantage on the hustings – but this has been no normal week. I have been suffering from my annual cold – and as is traditional, this has migrated to my chest (which, I suppose, is south-ish – at least when I am even somewhat vertical). As a result, my voice is even deeper than usual – and so it is either politics or the Lee Marvin role in the forthcoming remake of Paint Your Wagon. My thinking is that nobody wants to hear my take on “Wand’rin’ Star” (though I suppose I am a learner and my voice is low) so prepare for a fresh (if deep) voice to transform the UK’s political landscape forever.
Vote for Fish! Or you’ll have had your chips…