Odd claims

Lest you were worrying, this will be nothing to do with insurance – I believe Jasper Carrott covered that subject matter some years back and I’d hate to be seen as treading over old ground.  No, this relates to a triumvirate of curious claims I saw back in the soi-disant summer – yes, I know this is rather slow coming to “print” and as you will see, this certainly can’t be justified on the basis of improved quality.

The first claim was on a poster I saw whilst awaiting a tube train and advertised a 5km tree walk.  I initially found myself wondering if Ents were involved, or perhaps I should start to worry about my invincibility in battle – well, there have been a lot of C-sections over recent years and a chap can’t be too careful.  My second thought was that this was a seriously tall tree and I’m not at all sure lignin could support such a massive structure – and certainly not in ambulatory motion.  My final thought is what a wonderful language English is, allowing so many erroneous interpretations of a an apparently simple four word phrase.

The second incident was also from an advertisement, but one I saw emblazoned on a cab door in Edinburgh.  This was extolling the virtues of a male comedian (name long since forgotten) with the claim that he provided “effortless delivery”.  It struck me that this was a slogan more appropriate for Royal Mail or DHL than stand-up comedy.  Let’s face it, delivery for a stand-up involves speaking aloud – something which most of us can manage with a relatively low level of effort and don’t feel the need to brag about, at vast expense, on taxi doors.  I can only recall seeing one comic with somewhat effortful delivery – and in his case, he had the excellent excuse that he suffers from cerebral palsy.  Perhaps this forgotten comic had overcome a stammer or Tourettes to perform at the Fringe?  If so, I am doing him a terrible dis-service – though I still feel he could do with some more work on his advertising copy.

I was also introduced to my final example at Edinburgh.  It came in the form of a song that Michael Legge used to make his entrance.  I believe the song was by something called Kelis and, if not so entitled, certainly made much play of the phrase “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”.  At a very rough estimate, there are somewhat more than three billion boys currently in existence – so, if the claim is true, this yard is going to be exceeding cramped (and the pressure on local roads and public transport doesn’t bear thinking about).  I also found myself wondering whether the singer(s) had considered the boys who were either lactose intolerant or vegan.  Perhaps this “Kelis” was singing of a soya milkshake and had established this in an earlier verse to which I paid insufficient attention.

I think the moral of this post is that people should think before going public with their outlandish or poorly thought-out claims.  Though, if they did, much innocent amusement would be lost – so perhaps we should just stay a moral-free zone.

Feel free to continue the lunacy...

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