That D Day Ting

Look at me, going pretty street (or is it urban or fly?) for a middle-aged white guy.  You might wonder why I have adopted seriously out-dated youth patois in today’s title – or you might already be dreading the weak pun which will later rely on this obvious set-up.

I would also like to dispel any concerns you may have that I shall shortly be starting a European holiday in Normandy as part of a plan to purge much of the continent of Ms Merkel’s compatriots.

No, the title goes back much further than either of these red herrings – all the way to ancient Rome.  In those far off days, D referred to the number 500 – and this is GofaDM post number 500!  Feel free to imagine some sort of fanfare and/or firework extravaganza to celebrate this meaningless milestone.  Instead of these more traditional markers of a major event, I decided it was time to make good on a promise made way back in I did it!  Back then I promised a whole new direction for GofaDM, and there is some (implicit) pressure to make good on this promise before the latter half of tomorrow afternoon.

After my now famous striptease (though, teasing implies the audience wanted more and I was holding back – an implication which I think the audience would vehemently deny), conversation with my massage therapist went in interesting directions (it usually does).  Regular readers will know my lack of interest in gland games and, indeed, the rigmarole that tends to surround the quest to participate in gland games with a vaguely willing (or at least safely drunk) third party.  Somehow, during my massage session, the suggestion was mooted that I should start dating… other people (we’ll steer clear of the legal issues around other potential targets: animal, vegetable or mineral).  Perhaps my therapist felt that others should share in the suffering – a trouble shared and all that (though I believe, a trouble shared is a trouble doubled) – by inflicting my pseudo-amarous advances on other folk.

At this point, I should perhaps make clear that I have never really dated – it has always struck me as a somewhat arduous journey to an undesirable destination.  I believe that others have tried to date me, but I have always remained entirely oblivious to their apparent advances and have only discovered from a mutual acquaintance long after the event.  So, you might expect me to continue in similar vein and reject the proposal.  Normally, I would have done so but during conversation the idea of me dating did gain a certain, dare I say it, “irresistible” momentum.  This was not because the excellent debating skills of my therapist convinced me of the value of a “relationship” or of exchanging bodily fluids with another in a more intimate setting than that provided by the Royal Mail.  No, the conversation convinced me of the entertainment (neé comedy) value of inflicting me upon the world of romance – and, equally importantly, the excellent stream of potential content for GofaDM that my new career as a gigolo would be bound to generate.  I owe it to you, my readership, to hurl myself body-and-soul into the world of dating – based on my rather limited knowledge, it could do with someone vaguely competent to take it in hand: and I could be that chap.

There are some issues surrounding the launch of this process – which the fact that it has taken more than five months since the teaser trailer to this my robust commitment – not least of which is the time commitment required from your truly – but, I am determined to make it work (eventually).

My understanding of the process is that as a first step, one needs to choose the gender which one is going to pursue.  Lacking an interest in gland games, I don’t really have a natural preference – I have friends in both camps – but feel that it would probably be bad form to date people of both genders in parallel (I’m sure such activities should be pursued serially – if at all).  In theory, I know slightly more about men (being one) which might make them an easier option in the first instance – though this would involve a somewhat smaller pool of potential victims (which could be a downside).  If readers would care to suggest the better gender to tackle first, I am open to suggestions while feeling completely free to ignore them.

Having selected an initial target gender, I should perhaps prepare a dating “profile” which can serve to advertise my many (assumed) merits to my victims and interest them in encountering them (my merits) live: “in the flesh” as ’twere.  Whilst, I can clearly be somewhat economical with the truth in this profile (as I believe is entirely normal), this blog will somewhat limit my room to be too fantastical.  Still, I feel the drafting of my profile can usefully provide the meat of a future blog post (or series thereof) – with potential opportunities for audience participation!

Ultimately, I will have to manage the physical process of “the date” – but there is a plenty of time to prepare that later.  Well, unless readers of GofaDm suddenly start throwing themselves at me – in which case, I may have to re-prioritise and work on (or “create”) my dating skills rather sooner.

Exciting times for planet earth, I think we can all agree – though readers should feel free to lock up their sons or daughters (or parents) as a precaution, if they are concerned about this late arrival to the dating ball. 

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4 thoughts on “That D Day Ting

  1. matathew says:

    Steady on there, Spicer — hot weather can play havoc with a chap’s glands…

    But if you’re determined to follow up on your masseuse’s encouragement, may I tentatively suggest starting by dating the female gender and seeing how it goes. From what I remember, dating can be a journey with many false trails. Remember the “row of lettuces” … ?

    And, as I’m sure you’re aware, the thing about the female gender is that, should “gland games” actually kick off, suitable precautions are advisable — unless you think that the the world would benefit from one or more mini-Spicers. Anyway, I do wish you well with this particular initiative.

    I’ll be interested to hear what the “other 63 amazing people” (as WordPress puts it) bring to the party.

    • Stuart Ffoulkes says:

      I think my glands are fairly immune to the ambient temperature – but as the key players have gone largely unused to date, they might yet surprise me when given their “head”. Still, as we head into Autumn the falling temperatures (and/or leaves) should provide some thermal cooling for any ardour I do manage to generate.

      I am rather relying on dating providing many false trails, as I suspect these will generate far more content than hitting pay-dirt first time. As in many long running TV series, it is very much the “will he, won’t he” dynamic that keeps the viewers (or, in my case readers) coming back for more. If this particular wave function is collapsed too soon, much of the appeal is lost and you are left with shark-jumping in a doomed attempt to salvage falling ratings (or is that in the case of excessively greased rigging in the Southern ocean?).

      I strongly suspect that the world is crying out for mini-Spicers, but I am reluctant to dilute the “brand” – so should this ever become a possibility I shall take suitable precautions. I shall practise applying a steel-reinforced concrete jacket to a suitable cucumber in plenty of time to prevent issue becoming an issue.

      The other 63 amazing folk have been quite muted in their advice to-date – only one taker – but perhaps the recent holiday season has distracted them (as it has me). With many returning to work this coming week, I expect feedback to start flooding in!

  2. Mark says:

    I’m doing some email house keeping and found this unread missive buried in my inbox, hence my late reply. Otherwise I would have asked you in person just the other week how this was working out for you and if you had come to any conclusion regarding a starting direction.

    As you well know I have always favoured the females. However the inability of “birds” to effectively read a map or laugh at such cinematic greats as “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” has always been a source of frustration to me. So I might suggest that shared interests would make a decent starting point, regardless of gender?

  3. Stuart Ffoulkes says:

    You will be relieved (or perhaps disappointed) to know that progress to-date has been non-existent. Edinburgh has far too many delights on offer for me to fritter my time away on mere dating – or, indeed, dating prep.

    I have found most people much under the age of 40 haven’t a clue when presented with an OS Map, regardless of gender. I gleefully await the day when GPS crashes and the young will come begging to me for directions – which, for a price, a might be willing to vouchsafe. However, this is probably a long shot when it comes to sourcing potential dates.

    I hadn’t realised the lack of appreciation of B&T from the stronger sex – this is rather a serious black mark and may push me towards those with a Y-chromosome.

    The use of common interests could well be a good plan, though I wouldn’t want to go too far and start dating myself (or effectively doing so) – it’s bad enough living with me without dating me too! I wonder if I should prepare a pre-qualification questionnaire to weed-out unsuitable applicants for the role of my suitor. I have some experience with the ITT, RFP et al – and could probably re-purpose one from consulting/IT services to something a little more romance-friendly. Would 400 questions be considered excessive? (I am willing to compromise and allow some to be multiple choice, if this would help seal the deal).

    If truth be told, most of the intellectual horsepower (or Watts) expended on this project to-date have been in devising the basis for a first date. These will have a similar ethos to my interviewing for thick sandwich students for Teesside (as this proved so successful), but does rely on a number of candidates existing. More on these plans for the dating “cart” will follow in a later post – the dating “horse” will probably have to await a much later post.

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