Look at me, going pretty street (or is it urban or fly?) for a middle-aged white guy. You might wonder why I have adopted seriously out-dated youth patois in today’s title – or you might already be dreading the weak pun which will later rely on this obvious set-up.
I would also like to dispel any concerns you may have that I shall shortly be starting a European holiday in Normandy as part of a plan to purge much of the continent of Ms Merkel’s compatriots.
No, the title goes back much further than either of these red herrings – all the way to ancient Rome. In those far off days, D referred to the number 500 – and this is GofaDM post number 500! Feel free to imagine some sort of fanfare and/or firework extravaganza to celebrate this meaningless milestone. Instead of these more traditional markers of a major event, I decided it was time to make good on a promise made way back in I did it! Back then I promised a whole new direction for GofaDM, and there is some (implicit) pressure to make good on this promise before the latter half of tomorrow afternoon.
After my now famous striptease (though, teasing implies the audience wanted more and I was holding back – an implication which I think the audience would vehemently deny), conversation with my massage therapist went in interesting directions (it usually does). Regular readers will know my lack of interest in gland games and, indeed, the rigmarole that tends to surround the quest to participate in gland games with a vaguely willing (or at least safely drunk) third party. Somehow, during my massage session, the suggestion was mooted that I should start dating… other people (we’ll steer clear of the legal issues around other potential targets: animal, vegetable or mineral). Perhaps my therapist felt that others should share in the suffering – a trouble shared and all that (though I believe, a trouble shared is a trouble doubled) – by inflicting my pseudo-amarous advances on other folk.
At this point, I should perhaps make clear that I have never really dated – it has always struck me as a somewhat arduous journey to an undesirable destination. I believe that others have tried to date me, but I have always remained entirely oblivious to their apparent advances and have only discovered from a mutual acquaintance long after the event. So, you might expect me to continue in similar vein and reject the proposal. Normally, I would have done so but during conversation the idea of me dating did gain a certain, dare I say it, “irresistible” momentum. This was not because the excellent debating skills of my therapist convinced me of the value of a “relationship” or of exchanging bodily fluids with another in a more intimate setting than that provided by the Royal Mail. No, the conversation convinced me of the entertainment (neé comedy) value of inflicting me upon the world of romance – and, equally importantly, the excellent stream of potential content for GofaDM that my new career as a gigolo would be bound to generate. I owe it to you, my readership, to hurl myself body-and-soul into the world of dating – based on my rather limited knowledge, it could do with someone vaguely competent to take it in hand: and I could be that chap.
There are some issues surrounding the launch of this process – which the fact that it has taken more than five months since the teaser trailer to this my robust commitment – not least of which is the time commitment required from your truly – but, I am determined to make it work (eventually).
My understanding of the process is that as a first step, one needs to choose the gender which one is going to pursue. Lacking an interest in gland games, I don’t really have a natural preference – I have friends in both camps – but feel that it would probably be bad form to date people of both genders in parallel (I’m sure such activities should be pursued serially – if at all). In theory, I know slightly more about men (being one) which might make them an easier option in the first instance – though this would involve a somewhat smaller pool of potential victims (which could be a downside). If readers would care to suggest the better gender to tackle first, I am open to suggestions while feeling completely free to ignore them.
Having selected an initial target gender, I should perhaps prepare a dating “profile” which can serve to advertise my many (assumed) merits to my victims and interest them in encountering them (my merits) live: “in the flesh” as ’twere. Whilst, I can clearly be somewhat economical with the truth in this profile (as I believe is entirely normal), this blog will somewhat limit my room to be too fantastical. Still, I feel the drafting of my profile can usefully provide the meat of a future blog post (or series thereof) – with potential opportunities for audience participation!
Ultimately, I will have to manage the physical process of “the date” – but there is a plenty of time to prepare that later. Well, unless readers of GofaDm suddenly start throwing themselves at me – in which case, I may have to re-prioritise and work on (or “create”) my dating skills rather sooner.
Exciting times for planet earth, I think we can all agree – though readers should feel free to lock up their sons or daughters (or parents) as a precaution, if they are concerned about this late arrival to the dating ball.