I find myself, I like to think through no fault of my own, a middle-aged, middle-class white male human (or close(ish) approximation thereto). I live in a society designed to cater to my every whim (or at least those whims that had been anticipated by those that came before me). I’ll admit that I was educated by the State, but I did go to the longer established of the universities in Oxford and have lived in Cambridge. I have even been overheard during a pub quiz explain an answer with the phrase “it’s your basic Greek”. With this level of privilege, I feel that I should be in charge of something important and – probably – destroying it from within through a combination of ignorance, dogma and o’erweening self-regard.
I suppose I would have to admit I have not spent as much time as I might working on my mendacity and nor have I honed the edges of my stupidity to achieve a near Platonic bluntness. However, I feel that I more than qualify as an idiot: trust me on this, I have to live with me. I even think I am (sometimes) funny – even if the humour does require quite a lot of background reading to appreciate, reading it rarely justifies – and I have been endorsed for Quips on LinkedIn (OK, I may have that last one up). I even have a platform (hello!) and produce positively heaps of “unique” content on social media.
So where are my laurels and attendant lictors?
Clearly, I need to up my game to avoid going to my eternal reward having failed to live high-on-the-hog of my privilege.
Last week, I did – unintentionally – work on broadening my appeal to extend beyond the demographic of the merely human. I awoke one morning and, hurling aside my duvet in my eagerness to tackle the new day, I discovered that I had been sharing my bed with a pretty hefty arachnid. It was no tarantula but was more than large enough to grace any bathtub or nightmare. I’ll admit that I did emit a startled cry as I exited my bed with more than my usual alacrity. My companion made a dash for the door, eschewing breakfast or even a post-coital cigarette, as they commenced their 8-legged walk of shame back to their own digs (or perhaps straight back to the office to continue their career in web development). After the initial surprise ebbed, I found my first stint as a trans-species gigolo very amusing and started the day laughing. As a side note, I do wonder if this response to sharing my bed with another lifeform explains my long-running single status?
I thought this would represent the end of the incident, until I returned home from the pub that evening to find my 8-limbed paramour in bed, waiting for me and keen to get at least some of their legs over once more. As the newest member of the oldest profession, I felt it was important to retain some emotional distance between myself and my clientele and so decided it was wisest to send my prospective partner on their way to get jiggy elsewhere. Still, I was secretly rather pleased that my services were sufficiently compelling to command such a swift return. Spiders substantially out-number the human population of the planet and could, allegedly, eat us all within a year: if they put their tiny minds to it. Not a bad basis for an army of conquest, and I’d never want for silk…
My second recent wheeze to raise myself to my rightful position of power and influence is linked to more ruthless exploitation of (N)YTMG. I already like to think of this as a cult with myself as its charismatic leader (luckily, I do have a very active imagination – it’s how I stay in such good physical shape). Musing over a pack of Mini Cheddars, I pondered upgrading (N)YTMG to a full-blown religion. As I was munching, I couldn’t help feeling that my savoury treat had more than a hint of the Eucharist host about it and would go very nicely with red wine. Subsequent research revealed that the Bible barely mentions cheese at all – depending on your source it rates but a single or at most a pair of mentions – which leads me to believe that there is a gap in the market for a deity (or perhaps a whole pantheon), and associated written works, that give coagulated casein its proper due. I realise a religion would require a little fleshing-out from this basic premise, for a start, would the Cheeselet also be considered a blessed food? I think it’s time to plan 40 days of leave from work to head out into the wilderness, or on a zoo-based cruise, to be tempted and then return in triumph with my full Revelation. I like to imagine that I can convert my role as the first (and only) prophet of a new religion into an actual profit: or at least, a decent wedge of free cheese… I suppose I’ll probably need to appoint some disciples to help me manage my, soon-to-be vast, army of fanatical followers: if any readers feel themselves to be suitably qualified, feel free to bang in a CV.
Look back over this post, and indeed the entirety of GofaDM, I think I might be able to catch a hint of why I have failed to rise to power and prominence. I am certainly full of ideas, albeit most of them stupid (though recent evidence from the corridors of Westminster suggests there is no reason for this fact to hold me back), but I seem to lack the follow-through to make any of them a reality. Last night, a friend and I spent a constructive early evening in a local salon brainstorming some new creative ideas (well, if we stretch the definitions of ‘brainstorming’ and ‘salon’ just a little). Despite the excellent products of the brewer’s art that acted as accompaniment to the dizzying intellects on display, I seem to recall taking a few notes which means that, unusually, some of the gems of last night’s discourse may be capable of reconstruction and – more seriously – implementation. My days of powerless, relative anonymity may be drawing to a close…