Unexpected Statements II

No-one believed it would happen, but Mr and Mrs Unexpected Statements I are proud to announce the birth of their first child – named, very much in the manner of our cousins across the Herring Pond, Unexpected Statements II.

Who would have imagined that the old fool would have sufficient recollection of a previous “format” to be able to re-use it?  Well, he is not quite as far sunk into his dotage as was generally believed – and so on with what must pass for the motley hereabouts.

Those who lack the prodigious memory of the author might perhaps need a small nudge to recollect that this particular “format” is where GofaDM (quite unasked) attacks some of the weaker examples of the copywriter’s art, and so it shall.

Case the first

Not so very long ago, I cycled past a white (or mostly so) van covered in the branding of some, now forgotten, business.  So much, so ordinary – but I was struck by one particular claim made in support of the particular product or service on offer from the van’s contents (or driver or both).  It boasted that the product or service was “as seen on YouTube” as though this were some indicator of quality.  As the regularly reader will know, even GofaDM (or at least its flesh-encased representative here on earth) has been “seen on YouTube” and so it is abundantly clear that such a claim is very far from a guarantee of quality (or at least to that of the “good” variety).  In days of yore, did tradesmen boast of being “as seen in Yellow Pages”?  At least that claim did require a modest financial outlay on their part, unlike an appearance on YouTube which is free (as long as you do not cost the loss of privacy and the surrender of some personal information).

Case the latter

A few weeks back, whilst riding Shanks’ pony (did Mr Armitage also have an equine companion which is now sadly lost to posterity?), I encountered a large advertising hoarding hawking some new product from the stable (a word I use advisedly) of the Coca Cola corporation.  I must admit to being surprised that this corporation survived the loss of actual coca in its products (which surely must have been their primary appeal), and strongly suspect that even the cola is no longer entirely authentic.  Anyway, back to the product in question.  Against a somewhat verdant background a vessel of this brown sticky fluid was displayed with the claim that it gained its sweetness from a plant-based source.  It suddenly struck me that I had hitherto (probably foolishly) always assumed that “normal” Coca Cola used a plant-based source for its sweetness – presumably sugar cane or perhaps beet.  Clearly not.  Is this yet another place where the horse has crept into our food supply?  I’ve never thought of horses as especially sweet (either in person or the mouth), but now I think about it they are rather fond of sugar lumps – so maybe they are.  Is this why they also make (or made) such effective glue?  Sill, it’s good to know that Coke have finally produced a horse-free sticky brown fluid.

I think what this second bite of the Unexpected Statements cherry most clearly indicates is not that I would make an excellent copywriter – but rather that I have too much time, or thinking capacity, on my hands to be considered entirely (mentally) healthy.

Metablog Six: Vlogging a dead horse

No horses were harmed in the making of this post.

Behold!  Video…


(Sorry, not in 3D – not even in HD – but it’s the sheer technical prowess that counts!).

Yes, I’m wearing a hoody.  Yes, I’ve used YouTube!  A demonstration that middle-aged dogs can learn new tricks (and, for the cynical out there, I did not get a child to help me – I am quite childish enough without any assistance).  Or, at least this dog can still learn – I cannot speak (or bark) for other canines d’un certain âge.

The very observant may have noticed that the wall to the side of my head is, like the speaker, cracked.  This is no cause for concern – Fish Towers is not about to collapse – it is merely a little settlement (and I have some expertise in settlement, as you may have deduced from Fish Tales).

If people like the exciting new video element to GofaDM – a rather static talking head (but without the skilled writing of Alan Bennett) – I might create others.  If, as seems more likely, the general response is one of revulsion followed by a high-profile campaign to prevent further such outrages, then I fear this will act like a red rag to a bull and the vlogging will continue until morale improves!